What You Fear is What You Want

Do you, from time to time, experience the fear of robbing a bank?

How about when you consider it now? Does fear rise up from your belly?

No. Of course it doesn’t.

And why not? Why aren’t you feeling fear?

Wouldn’t you worry about getting caught or shot? Isn’t that scary?

You don’t feel fear, because you don’t actually have any desire to rob a bank.

Even if you pretend, in the back of your mind and in your heart, you know that you have no real desire to do it, therefore no fear arises.

You can only experience fear for things you have desire for.

You fear public speaking, because deep down a part of you wants to do it.
You fear talking to that man or woman, because deep down you want him or her to like you.
You fear that job interview, because you want the job.
You fear getting on an airplane, because you want to live.

You don’t have to feel fear.

Of course you don’t have to experience fear for every desire you have.

Maybe you want to live and you do NOT fear getting on an airplane.
Maybe you want that job and you do NOT fear the interview.
Maybe you want that man or woman to like you and you do NOT fear talking to him or her.
Maybe you want to be a public speaker and you do NOT fear doing it.

Fear & Desire are two sides of the same coin.

Imagine in the palm of your hand you hold a coin. At any moment, either the heads or tails can be facing up at you.

In this same way, at any moment, you experience fear or desire based on which you focus on.

You feel fear or desire based only what you think about.

But can you fear things you don’t want?

Just as you can have desire without experiencing any fear, you can have fear without experiencing any desire.

Maybe you fear public speaking, but you think it doesn’t matter, because you don’t even want to.
Maybe you fear going for a new job, but you say you don’t even want it.
Maybe you fear getting on a plane, but say it doesn’t matter because you don’t want to travel.
Maybe you fear talking to that man or woman, but you tell yourself that you don’t care to anyway.

It’s BS though.

You can have fear without experiencing desire, but you can NOT have fear without there being desire.

That which you most fear is what you most desire.

What is that thing that scares you the most? What is your reoccurring fear?

In the face of such fear, have you ever told yourself, “Oh no, I don’t want to do that!”

It’s as if you are holding a coin in your clenched fist and most of the time you just ignore that it is there. But sometimes you forget and you open your hand, looking down at your palm, and you see that’s its tails – you feel the fear.

Every single time you open your hand – you feel the fear. After awhile it seems as if that is all there is. You become sure fear is the only way you can experience it.

But really, you have just never bothered to turn over the coin.

Reverse engineer your deepest desires from your greatest fears.

In the same way that you do not fear robbing a bank because you don’t really have any desire to do so – you have your greatest fear, because on the other side, you have a deepest desire.

If you don’t know what it is you most want – if you don’t know what is you must do – then consider what it is you experience the most fear around.

Face your fear, flip over the coin, indulge in imagination and allow yourself to be raptured by desire.

How to Choose the Right Path in Life (Hint: It’s Left)

Most of the people who come to me for coaching on finding their purpose and having more passion in their life, are stuck because they are trying to choose the RIGHT path. If this is true for you too, then let me let you off the hook:

There is no RIGHT path.

Your purpose is not predetermined. Your path to a more passionate life is not something you need to locate or uncover.

As I say in my public talks:

Purpose is created, not found.
Passion is grown, not discovered. 

I know that part of you doesn’t believe this though. Part of you still wants to believe there is something out there and that when you find it, you will be able to step into like a spaceship and it will whisk you away, angels singing haleluija, filling you with inspiration and making every task on the journey an effortless pleasure and your astronomical success inevitable.

That’s not how it works though.

What keeps most people from creating a purpose and a passionate life is their unwillingness to let go of the idea that it is out there waiting for them.

There is no spaceship.

There is only a large bucket of Legos.

And there is no instruction booklet showing you how to build the spaceship.

When you see that the bucket of Legos is all there is, what do you do?

Do you go on searching for a spaceship?

Or do you dump them out, use your imagination and get creating?

Let go of the idea that there is a right path for you to take, or even that there is a right way to do it. Stop believing that if you just get it right, then you’ll be totally fulfilled. You will never get it right. 

Where does the ‘right’ path come from then?

Your purpose and your more passionate life results from the interplay of your genetic/spiritual predispositions, psychological imprints, environment, relationships, other random happenings, fears, desires and your acts of will.

If you want to be empowered and enjoy your life, then spend your time focused on the only one of these you have any control over:

Your Acts of Will

Your choice of what to act on is all you really have.

Back to the Beginning

Assuming you are with me now – that you are willing to let go of choosing the right path – let’s go back to where we began.

The real reason you wanted to choose the right path is so that you could, as Joseph Campbell says, “experience the rapture of being alive”. When you are experiencing this, it certainly can feel like the right path. Here is the paradox:

The experience of being on the right path happens only when you stop believing there is a right path and allow yourself to do what you love in each moment.

When you do what you love, your imagination activates and you give birth to a purpose. The pursuit of this purpose creates a positive feedback loop, filling you with passion.

Free yourself from the fictional chains of predeterminism – forget finding the right path.

Stop searching for the spaceship.

Instead, utilise your acts of will to create your purpose and to grow your passion.

After all, without finding the right path, to create & grow is the only path you have left.

How to Choose Between Two Paths in Life

“How do I know which path to choose when there are two (or more) paths that I want to take in life?”

Imagine you are hiking without a map and come to a fork in the trail. How do you decide which way to go?

In his poem ‘The Road Not Taken‘, Robert Frost suggests you should take the one less travelled:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

He was almost right. But not quite.

What if I want to go BOTH ways?

How do you decide which way to go when both directions seem equally appealing? What do you do when both life paths are equally desired? Here is an answer that may seem obvious, but evades most people:

Walk straight between the two paths, creating a third path. 

When you want to do two (or more) different things in life, the solution is simple: combine them.

One coaching client wanted to be a painter and a hypnotherapist. Together we created the idea of Art-Hypnotherapy.

Another client wanted to remain a lawyer and own an eco-village. We created the idea of being an attorney who owns an eco-village where important negotiations are made.

I wanted to coach powerful leaders AND travel AND take people on adventures AND make a difference in the world. It was by combining these things that I created the idea for Hero Journeys.

How do I combine my different paths?

If there were an answer out there already, then it wouldn’t be a unique path – it wouldn’t be your path.

Combining is a process of creation.

The only tool you need is imagination. Or to use Walt Disney’s term: Imagineering

This is how both the iPhone and the Great Pyramids got made. They each started in someone’s imagination.

Your unique life can be created in this same way.

What if combining my paths is difficult?

“But what if when I get to the fork, there is a mountain in between the two paths?”

Then climb the freaking mountain!

Creating your own path is simple, but it won’t be easy.

How you will accomplish the task of climbing the mountain is unknown. This is how creation works; you  cross a threshold into the unknown and go on a journey of discovery and manifestation.

The only thing you can be certain of about your path is that it will be riddled with uncertainty.

When you create the third path, you will create the life that is most true, and unique, to you.

What if I don’t succeed?

In the end, it won’t matter how far you made it up the mountain. You won’t care where you got to.

What you will care about is which way you chose to travel. What will truly matter is whether you followed a path or whether you went straight ahead, lead by your heart, climbed the mountain and created your own way.

The path less travelled is still someone else’s path.

Don’t be Robert Frost. Be who YOU are.