You Can’t Want What You Don’t Understand

The other day I was in conversation with a COO who was complaining about his sales team not performing.

“They just don’t want it bad enough,” he told me. “I wanted it so much more when I was selling.”

We talked and he could see that his sales people were coming from a ‘victim’ place. They were complaining about circumstances (the irony of the COO being a victim by complaining about his sales team’s victimhood did not escape me, but I choose not to go there).

He could see that when he was in sales, he came from an ‘owner’ place. He created what he wanted instead of complaining about what wasn’t working.

I asked him how he was going to empower his team to be owners.

“They don’t want to be owners,” he said.

“How the…do you know that?” I snapped, biting back an f-bomb.

“They just don’t or they would be owners already.”

“That’s bullshit. Have you considered the possibility that they don’t know the difference between being an owner and a victim?”

What I shared with him is that he had a distinction they don’t have. He had a conscious understanding of the difference between two ways of being.

Furthermore, I had him see that a conscious understanding of difference is required before someone can want something.

“You can’t want what you don’t understand,” I said. 

His eyes glazed over and our conversation fell silent.

I could see that he was seeing how not wanting it bad enough wasn’t really the problem. The real  problem was that his team – his people – didn’t consciously understand the difference between being an owner and a victim.

If and when they could really see this difference, they were almost certain to want to be an ‘owner’.

Who wouldn’t?

But first they needed to see it. And so he knew exactly what he needed to do.

COACHING QUESTIONS:

  • What are your people not wanting bad enough right now?
  • What distinction are they missing that would give them enough perspective to want something else?
  • How are you creating this – how are you stopping them from having that distinction?

 

Be The Creator of Everything

The Victim believes she is at the mercy of circumstance. She is an unfortunate slave to the whims of the world. The world wins and she loses.

The Controller believes she creates her own destiny. She rises up in defiance of the world’s whims and through force and effort, she exerts her will against the world, making her own destiny. For her to win, others must lose.

The Participator sees life as a dance. Recognising that all creation is co-creation, she asserts her will at times, but she also allows the whims of the world to move her too. She aims for a win win, concerning herself always with the world’s win first.

The Creator also recognises life is a dance and yet she chooses to lead the dance. She understands the world has whims and desires of its own. She is empathetic to these whims, but only to inspire her own next step. Win-wins happen because you are always leading a dance.

When you Be The Creator, your reality is that YOU CREATE EVERYTHING you experience – both desired and undesired.

Everything that happens IS your creation – your job, your relationship, your health, even the weather over your head – you created that.

Yes. You made it rain today. You even made the sun shine.

Indeed, this reality is an illusion, but it is one chosen in the included transcendence of illusions that less served you.

Living inside a reality where YOU CREATE EVERYTHING gives you access to your fullest potential in the perpetual dance of co-creation.

COACHING QUESTIONS:

  • What are you currently creating that you do NOT want?
  • What will you create instead?

“Just be YOU” – Silly Advice?

When I used to hear people say things like…

“Just be YOU!”
“You are unique!”
“You are special!”

…it always sounded to me like when a mother tells her child she loves him/her. Sure it is endearing, but it’s not necessarily true. Of course she thinks that – she’s their mother!

However, after years of coaching people to live their truth – after years of working with leaders to act and speak more authentically, to be more self-expressive, to have deeper personal integrity – what I can see is the ‘mothers’ weren’t just under the spell of their parental love.

“Just be YOU”, although highly conceptual and hardly pragmatic, is deeply wise.

What I have seen is that the more you are willing to cut through the BS, the more you are willing to say exactly what you think and feel without holding back and the more you are willing to do life and work exactly the way YOU want to do it – the more often successful results are created.

Here are three reasons I see as to why ‘just being YOU’ is a powerful strategy for success:

1. TRUST – You are in integrity with your truth and this congruence helps people to trust you.
2. PASSION – You are doing what gets you most excited and your passion is contagious.
3. VALUE – You automatically differentiate yourself and in a world of conformists this difference creates value.

This last point, about differentiating yourself, is what the moms mean when they say things like “you are unique” and “you are special”.

If you want to create more success, then listen to your mother.

Just be you.

COACHING QUESTIONS:

  • What is one way you know are you NOT being you?
  • How might this be stopping you from creating what you want to create?

I Am Your Guru

The modern meaning of the word ‘guru’ has come to represent a hyper egoic, self-branded, pseudo superhero. In its worst form is a polished personality selling an empty solution to making money or attaining your dreams.

We’ve become so sick of this though.

In the same way we have lost faith in mainstream media, lost trust in banking and become disenchanted with government, we have a sour taste in our mouths for big personalities selling snake oil.

My message for years has been that you do not need a guru – especially one of the really flashy modern kinds of late.

You just need to follow your own inner wisdom and create your own path.

At the same time, I still stand by this when I say, “I am your guru.”

In ancient times, a ‘guru’ was actually just a regular person who happened to be struck with the unfortunate luck of being a window to ‘God’. They didn’t have any special inherent value…they were just a transparent conduit for ‘spirit’.

We don’t value a window for the light that comes through it. In the same way a window is just a window, a guru was just a guru.

Thus when I say “I am your guru”, it is actually an affirmation for myself.

My aim with my work is to become transparent to inspired ideas and insights. For those things to simply flow through me, to you – my client. The only thing that blocks people from creating what they want are fearful thoughts.

My mission is to clear away those kinds of thoughts within my own head so that by doing so, the uninhibited flow of creativity through me can help and inspire others to experience the same.

I hope you get me now when I say “I am your guru.”

Whose guru are you?

If I’m not Crying, I’m Lying

You know how when you express love for someone, sometimes it is so intense that you tear up.

You say “I love you, man” and your eyes start watering like a baby.

I noticed that sometimes when coaching I have the thought to say something to the person in front of me but then I can feel that if I do it’s going to bring the tears.

Part of me wants to hold back. I used to listen to that part. I used to stop myself from expressing the kind of love for people that has me feel that wave of intense emotion.

I’ve stopped stopping myself through. I think that wave of emotion is actually some sort of existential realisation of our forgotten inherent union. It’s the same feeling as finding your home after being lost, or finding out your friend is going to live. It’s a very happy feeling.

I’ve actually chosen to believe that if I stop myself from sharing the thoughts that have me feeling like that, then I am essentially lying.

I am lying by holding back what’s most true for me – something inspired that is trying to unfold through me.

So this is my new mantra: “If I’m not crying, I’m lying.”

I say it so boldly, not because I want to always be crying, but because as a coach and a leader I endeavour to be creating that kind of depth in all of my interactions with people.

Doing so creates the most powerful connection in the world – the one we have forgotten and which already exists.

Where are you holding back tears?

Let those words roll.

Follow the Butterfly – Passion Looks Crazy

Imagine you are high up in the sky, looking down at somebody walking in a field. The person is moving in ridiculously haphazard directions. Stopping. Starting. Turning left right. Turning around. Repeating.

They are not going in a straight line. They are not finishing anything.

Imagine now you zoom in to a few feet above their head. At that point you see it’s a woman and she isn’t walking randomly at all. In fact, she is following a butterfly.

You watch the expressions on her face. She is getting to know it. How it flies. It’s colours. What it loves. The longer she follows it, the better she gets at knowing what the butterfly wants. She can anticipate where it is going next.

Following your heart is like following a butterfly.

From high up, it might look like you aren’t getting anywhere. Like you’re all over the place and not finishing anything.

Not finishing things may mean you aren’t succeeding on the outside, but it can also mean that you are learning to follow your heart.

And you get that despite from up above, it looking like she was all over the place – a life littered with failures and false starts – was not time wasted. She was doing the same thing the whole time.

That is what following your heart is like. It might look crazy in the outside, but in the inside you’re always doing the same thing. You’re following your butterfly.

Let go of things needing to look sensible on the outside and see your chaos as a perfect sign that you are following your heart.

Stop Serving to Create Business

One of the ways I’ve learned to create success in business is by actively helping people – to provide some product or service – before they ever pay anything or become a client/customer.

In countless industries, both in my own businesses and those of my clients, I’ve seen the willingness to ‘go first’ in giving be a beautifully effective strategy for creating clients, customers and prosperity.

The catch-22 to overcome however can be summed up like this: ‘How do I come from a place of pure giving, when really I know it is a strategy for getting business?’

Until recently, my answer has been to take it moment by moment and day by day. It was to ask yourself, “Am I willing, at least for this moment/today, to ONLY give?”

This works in that it snaps you out of the transactional reality and absolves you almost fully into the reality of giving.

Dependably though, this reality soon melts away and you return to a transactional way of being; I give to you so that you will give to me. 

Recently I spent a day with a man who lives service more deeply than only one other man I’ve ever met before. The man’s name is Steve Hardison and he is a ‘coach’ in Phoenix, Arizona. (Calling him a coach is a bit of a misnomer, but that’s another story.)

I won’t go into all the details of how I experienced this now, but what I got from this man – someone with a client waiting list years long and whose clients pay him upwards of $1,000,000 to work with him – is that service is not his ‘strategy’ for creating clients.

Service is not his tactic. Service is not what he does BECAUSE he wants clients. Service is not what he does SO THAT people will become clients.

Service is simply what he does. Full stop.

In fact – service is WHO HE IS.

By being service, he DOES serve people. And by being this way, clients DO happen.

However, these two occurrences are as separate as the sky and the ocean.

This distinction of ‘Service as Strategy’ vs ‘Service as Being’ is important because it changes the inner story that has attachment to an outcome keep sneaking back in.

When you move from ‘Service as Strategy’ to ‘Service as Being’, you automatically stop keeping score.

A weight rises from your shoulders and no longer must you qualify, filter or concern yourself with the likeliness that something will come back to you.

When you simply BE SERVICE, life works itself out.

I got this during my hot yoga class, standing in a warrior position and staring out the window. Sweat dripping down my face, breathing in and out, I watched the tree outside just sit there. The oxygen I sucked into my lungs came from that tree. It didn’t ask me to give it carbon dioxide first. It just gave me oxygen. Not because it was transacting oxygen for carbon dioxide, but because creating and giving oxygen is just what it does. It just serves.

My new story is to be like Steve and to be like the tree outside my yoga class.

I am Service.

Are you with me?

COACHING QUESTIONS:

  • How are you using service as a strategy to create business?
  • How would what you are doing change if service instead became something you ARE?

How to Live a Passionate Life

In this talk I explain how to find your passion in life. (Emphasis will make sense when you watch.)

If AFTER you watch this entire video, you still find yourself asking “how do I find my passion”, then please CLICK HERE to learn more.

The audio version (listen or download) is a bit longer, as it includes a Q&A at the end.

Play

Please scroll down and leave a comment, because I would love to know your thoughts!

Lastly, here is a FULL TRANSCRIPT of the talk…

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